Vagina Prepares for Soft Opening This Summer

As the nation prepares to gradually reopen the economy, Mandy Wilson, the owner of a vagina that has served a loyal patronage over the years preceding COVID-19’s outbreak in New York City, has announced plans for a soft opening this summer.


“We’re hoping to start getting some people back in there around late June, early July,” says Wilson. “Most likely just one at a time.”



“Of course, safety is the number-one priority,” Wilson adds. “But if we can find a sustainable way to open the old blinds once more, I think we’re definitely all eager to.”


Wilson’s vagina tried to stay open with adjusted practices when awareness of the virus first came about, but soon realized she couldn’t justify the decision.


“At first I had a hard time accepting I needed to close up shop,” Wilson explains. “I thought we couldn’t let this virus stop us from eating out, such an important part of human culture, but ultimately I realized it was irresponsible.”


Luckily, Wilson has had the time and resources to keep her vagina in working order despite a lack of business.


“Oh, of course, yeah,” Wilson says. “I’m more of a clitoral stimulation kind of person, but occasionally I will stick a finger in there just to make sure I still can, and no problems so far.”


“I love my vagina no matter how empty it is right now,” adds Wilson. “But the joy of sharing it with other people is really how I got into this whole sex thing in the first place, so I can’t wait to get back in the swing as circumstances allow.”


At this time, Wilson has not managed to figure out the mechanics of delivery service.