At a press conference held Monday, Department of Energy spokesperson Dr. Geeta Rajan reported that the world is experiencing a surplus of “30 million barrels of oil per day,” given the coronavirus’s halting impact on the automotive, plane, and shipping industries. “In lieu of seeking storage methods,” Dr. Rajan states, “the surplus oil can be used for my daughter’s dry, awful hair.”
When asked “just how dry her daughter’s hair could possibly be,” Dr. Rajan explained, “Reema used a straightener twice in high school. And now it’s dry all the time.”
Dr. Rajan provided predictive models for how the oil could be dispersed into her daughter’s “surely-damaged” scalp. “If it is massaged in, we will see results,” Dr. Rajan states. “But we can take no half-measures: she must do it daily.”
Skeptics criticized Dr. Rajan’s plan. “30 million barrels of oil will not be enough,” Dr. Kelli Washington stated. “We need a more rigorous course of action. She has split ends!”
Dr. Rajan, who has straight hair, stated that while 30 million barrels might not be enough to “salvage her daughter’s frizzy curls,” it would certainly improve them. “But she must leave the oil in overnight,” Dr. Rajan adds.
Reporters reached out to daughter, Reema Rajan, for comment.
“My mom is just obsessed with me having the same hair texture as Bollywood actresses,” states Rajan, whose hair was in a high bun. “I really don’t think my natural hair is that bad.”
“This is just another case of someone underreacting to a dire situation,” states mother, Dr. Rajan. “We need to act now before even more of her hair starts falling out.”
Reports confirm 30 million barrels of oil and two apples were dropped off at Reema Rajan’s apartment this afternoon.