According to the Food Pyramid (snore) you should be eating 3-5 servings of vegetables each day. But what is a vegetable? Anything green, of course! So go ahead and eat as much as you want of the following foods—and if anyone gives you guff, just say: “Uhhh, these are green so are you color blind, orrrr?”
Shamrock Shake (McDonald’s, $2.99)
For obvious green-related reasons, St. Patrick’s Day is the healthiest holiday of the year. McDonald’s seasonal Shamrock Shake not only tastes like fresh and creamy mouthwash—it’s also basically a green smoothie! Carry one with a napkin wrapped around it to cover the label, then bring it into yoga class and preach about how essential it is to start every morning of March off right. Helloooooo.
Green M&M’s (Mars, $4.69)
Just like fruits and vegetables, the skin of a green M&M is the most nutritious part. Warning: don’t exert yourself too vigorously when picking out the green ones! With all this wholesome eating, you could pass out from burning too many calories due to rigorous sifting. Take some insulin first! Durrrr.
Lime Jell-O Shots (Jell-O, $1.49, Smirnoff, $10.99)
Not only does Lime Jell-O contain no nasty vitamins or bulky minerals, it’s also only 80 empty calories per serving. If that’s too bland for you, add a heavy pour of vodka before popping it in the fridge to solidify, and voila! You’re a skinny bitch, you drunk bitch! Green is HEALTHY so yeah!
Caramel Apple Pops (Tootsie, $3.79)
This food might not seem healthy because it’s covered in caramel, but beneath that caramel is a bright green lollipop that’s gonna feed your body good. It’s green, so what else do you even want? Ummmm life hack!
Every single green thing is healthy. Duh! Otherwise it wouldn’t be green. Like ummm duh.