In a devastating story emerging from a pathetic little pickleball court in Portland, ME, 26-year-old Olivia Jones is currently enjoying a game of pickleball even though she is fiercely morally opposed to the sport.
Damn it! This changes everything!
“Everyone who knows me knows that I fucking hate the concept of pickleball,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, while practicing her swing before a high-stakes game against her friend’s dad. “It’s a bastardization of everything that tennis and ping pong gave us. It’s against God’s will. It should be illegal. If pickleball had an embodied form, I’d shoot it dead.”
She then paused for a long time, thinking hard.
“That being said, I’m having an amazing time,” she admitted.
Sources confirm Olivia had no desire to play pickleball originally, but when her friend’s dad challenged her to a match, she feared being rude. After an hour of playing, it’s come to her attention that she’s having the time of her life.
“I wanted to earn my right to hate pickleball by trying it out like an honorable critic,” she continued. “Turns out, I’m loving the stuff. It’s quick without being impossible, slow without being boring, and honestly, hitting the shit out of this ball is bringing me a lot of joy. You can’t imagine the moral quandary I’m experiencing at the moment.”
Sources confirm that about 5 minutes into the first game, just as it appeared Olivia was starting to have fun despite herself, a dark expression passed over her face as she realized what this would mean.
“I just can’t believe I’m liking it so much considering how much shit I’ve talked and, by all means, intend to continue talking,” she continued, blotting sweat away from her eyes. “I feel like I’m being tested by god and frankly, I’m losing.”
Olivia’s friend, Indigo Howard, isn’t surprised in the slightest.
“She’s been talking shit about pickleball for as long as I’ve known her, but I finally asked if she’d played, and she said no,” Indigo told reporters from the sidelines as Olivia continued to hit the wiffleball with everything she had. “I knew this would happen. The second you hit a great volley in pickleball, all morals fall to the wayside. It’s a beautiful game.”
As of press time, Indigo’s dad decided he’d had enough for today and called off the game. Olivia made him promise they could play again tomorrow.
