In a harrowing story out of Pittsburgh, PA, the absolute asshole you hated in college, Ryan Peterson, has begun showing evidence of concrete and drastic change.
This is a devastating blow to you and every member of your close friend group, as you’ve spent years bonding over absolutely railing on this guy.
The first inkling of change came when Peterson, whom you once considered to be a reliable and steadfast piece of shit, called each of your friends individually to apologize for any of his past behavior that made them uncomfortable, systematically naming and taking responsibility for his wrongdoings.
“He didn’t even expect or ask for forgiveness,” you told reporters. “He said he was ‘apologizing just to apologize, because it was the right thing to do.’ What the hell? Does he think this is going to change what I think of him?”
Sources confirm it’s kind of working.
This complicates the narrative you have about Ryan immensely, as he’s proven himself to be a multi-faceted person capable of genuine change as opposed to the incorrigible fuckhead you once considered him to be.
“We stopped using the phrase ‘When pigs fly’ back in 2018 and replaced it with, ‘When Ryan Peterson becomes a better man,’ because it just seemed that unlikely,” your friend Cora weighed in. “But now that it seems like he’s making a real effort, do we really have to change the way we talk about him?”
Experts are unsure, but yeah, probably.
Sources report you were extremely hesitant to believe Ryan was making a genuine attempt at reform and have instead resorted to concocting several theories about how this is all an effort to rehabilitate his image, as a gag.
While you were busy outlining this theory, Ryan had moved on to starting a birthday fundraiser for a local organization supporting trans youth. He also wrote a lengthy Instagram caption about how he “had been so embarrassingly small-minded towards people who were different from himself in the past” and “wouldn’t make that mistake again.” He finished the post off by directly calling on his brothers at Phi Kappa Delta to do the same.
“Is it a born-again Christian thing?” you desperately pleaded with your friends. Sources confirm it is not.
Ryan’s genuine reform has also raised questions like, “Does this mean every single person is capable of self-improvement?” and “If so, why haven’t you made more of an effort to improve yourself?” but you will deal with that later.
At press time, he messaged you, “Thanks for being such a great role model and never giving up on me. I don’t deserve your trust, but I will earn it.” Sources report you whispered, “What an asshole,” and signed up to volunteer this weekend using the link in his bio.
