‘My Biological Clock Is Ticking!’ Says Woman Who’s Worried She’s Getting Too Old to Get Into Skateboarding

In what has come down to a flat out race against time, 30-year-old Shayna Wilder has confessed she’s stressed about her ever-ticking biological clock, expressing worry that she might be getting too old to ever learn how to skateboard.


“Most of my friends got into skateboarding in their early teens,” Shayna told reporters. “Now I’m in my 30s and I can’t even do a kick turn? What’s next? I turn 40 without being able to hit a backside boardslide? I can practically feel society breathing down my neck to learn how to manual.”


Shayna says the societal push to be able to nose stall has only gotten worse since she’s turned 30.


“It’s not even just the pressure from my skateboard-savvy peers that’s getting to me,” Shayna said. “The moms in my book club have been pretty brutal about me not being able to stand on my board without wobbling. We’re currently reading Tony Hawk’s autobiography.”


When asked if there was anything besides skateboarding that could help her relieve this stress, Shaya said, “I tried to get into rollerblading in my early 20s – I thought that would fill the void, but it just wasn’t the same. I just know I won’t feel fulfilled until I learn how to skateboard, just like my mom did, and her mom before her. I come from a really cool, alternative family.”


“I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people’s journeys,” Shayna continued. “But it’s hard! Especially when your life path starts to deviate from other people your age. Like, now all my friends are teaching their multiple children how to skateboard, and I’m left wondering: when will it be my turn? To learn how to ollie, that is.”


Sources close to Shayna wanted to reassure her that she still has plenty of time to learn how to heelflip.



“I didn’t pick up a skateboard until I was well into my 40s,” said Shayna’s mom, Lane. “The idea that if you wait too long, your knees will give out before you ever learn to kickflip or drop into a bowl is nothing but a scare tactic. Society can be so unforgiving to single, unmarried women who can’t skateboard!”


At press time, Shayna had come to terms with her life trajectory, saying, “This whole experience has made me realize that the concept of a biological clock is bullshit designed to further the narrative that women expire after a certain age if they can’t rock to fakie. Everyone does life at their own pace, and you shouldn’t judge yourself based on how well somebody else can do a frontside 180. I still have my whole life to make it to the X-Games! Especially since I’m never having kids.”