This article was written in 2016 and updated for publication in 2020.
After the race was called in favor of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Donald Trump is too disappointed to even grope anymore.
“I walked past him and nothing happened,” an anonymous female staffer says. “Usually I have to dodge his grubby little hands and brace myself for a lumbering lunge in my direction, but he just seems too sad.”
After over a year of brutal campaigning, staffers say that the loss has affected him deeply, even if he is determined not to let it show publicly.
“Sure, in one week he’ll be out there tweeting about how he never even wanted to win in the first place,” Bob Miller, a communications advisor says. “But right now he’s grieving, too upset to grope, fondle, or even inappropriately touch a woman. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Those close to Trump say that this behavior is unprecedented.
“My dad has experienced failures before—massive personal and business failures,” daughter Tiffany Trump says. “But he’s never lost his appetite for unwelcome sexual touching of the women around him, until now. Where did my daddy go?”
Staffers have reportedly attempted to cheer Trump up by parading women past him within an arm’s reach, but not a single non-consenting female has managed to snap him out of his rut.
“Usually you get some women in front of him and he perks up like a nasty little dog,” another staffer says. “But this time, nothing! We even chose all models 19 and under. Where’s the Trump we know and reluctantly love?”
Witnesses say that women on Trump’s staff, though upset about the loss, were seen rejoicing, high-fiving, and hugging out of celebration that “he didn’t touch me” today.
When asked to comment, Trump assured us that this is only temporary.
“You’ll be hearing about me groping very soon,” Trump says. “I guarantee it.”
