In a much-needed piece of good news, a team of the nation’s top scientists has vowed to send that disgusting little freak Stitch straight back to space where he belongs.
“The extraterrestrial chaos pig known as ‘Stitch’ has resided on our planet for far too long,” says NASA scientist Dr. Juliana Roberts. “But today we say: No more. We’ll find him, strap his weird and gross body into a little space shuttle or rocket or what have you, and just shoot that thing right off into the Milky Way. That’s a one-way ticket.”
The promise of the blue criminal’s departure, while arguably overdue, comes as a huge relief to the general public, who, for once, seem to be unified around this clear issue.
“We’re just sick of him being on Earth when he shouldn’t be,” says Dr. Roberts. “We don’t have endless resources here. I mean, dogs in shelters are put down every day while Stitch lives like a king. Is Stitch a dog kind of? We don’t know.”
“He’s just bad and we don’t like him,” Dr. Roberts continues. “He’s got those bulging bug eyes and dull teeth, and when he does that thing where he curls his body into a perfectly spherical ball and rolls around instead of walking? Ugh, it makes my stomach churn. So yeah, we’re dealing with it.”
The small accident Stitch can’t be sent the fuck back to space whence he came a moment too soon, but Dr. Roberts promises every possible effort is being taken to expel him from God’s green Earth so that Lilo can get a cat or something and everything can be normal.
“We’ve got all hands on deck here,” she says. “Every top mind in the field is completely dedicated to removing the fat sky mutt from the ground and putting him up high in space forever, and it’s hard to imagine a better use of our time.”
Scientists, we salute you!