‘Trigger Warnings Are For Cowards,’ Says Man Who Still Hasn’t Gotten Over All-Female ‘Ghostbusters’

The cultural battle over trigger warnings was recently reignited by Evan, a 27-year-old Twitter user and blogger who still hasn’t gotten over the all-female remake of Ghostbusters from the summer of 2016.


“Trigger warnings have destroyed the very fiber of free speech,” explains Evan on his blog, “The Hand That Feeds You.” Just one week earlier, Evan penned yet another post about how the all-female remake of Ghostbusters “destroyed my childhood” in mid-2016.


Though the film left theaters nearly six months ago after an unimpressive box-office performance, Evan continues to spend his free time destroying its legacy. His bold Change.org petition, titled “TELL SONY TO BAN THE NEW ‘GHOSTBUSTERS’ FROM ALL STREAMING SERVICES” has amassed nearly 16 of the 500 signatures necessary to “save the world from this feminazi drivel once and for all.”


Despite never having seen the film, Evan leaves frequent reviews on its Facebook fan page. One such review reads: “This movie is the definition of misandry and should never have been made in the first place. Anyone who actually saw it is a cuck. Oh, sorry, was that triggering for all you snowflakes?”


One person not alarmed by Evan’s antics? His mother, Clara Evans, who tries to give her son the benefit of the doubt.


“Sure, my son hates the way liberal college students are intellectually coddled with trigger warnings,” she says. “But more so, he just really, really hates the idea that you can just up and make a new Ghostbusters. You know, the one with all the girls.”


“The moment the opening song began to play, he just collapsed,” says Evan’s friend, Roman Davidson, upon seeing the in-flight movie version of the Ghostbusters reboot. “I wouldn’t normally say this, but I think he may have been triggered. That film should come with a warning for guys like that.”



From his hospital bed, Evan assures reporters that the fight has just begun.


“Our culture has become weak and feminized. We let college students skip classes that offend them, we let women fight ghosts. It’s all part of the same illness!”


Now, Evan has set his next sights on a new, bolder act of agitation: He’s going to put a stop to the all-female remake of Ocean’s 11—currently in production— by self-immolating in the studio parking lot.


The free speech activist says, “I swear to God, not a single person is going to get to watch that film.”