In a rapidly unfolding story out of Brooklyn, NY, it’s becoming undeniably evident that Lina Connor’s roommate Brittany Douglas suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
“At first, I wasn’t 100% sure,” said Lina of her roommate, “But, after almost three months of working from home, I’m pretty sure she’s not taking four showers a day. She’s pooping in there.”
Lina first became suspicious that Brittany’s intestines might be a fiery pit of broccoli-infused hell in the first week of quarantine, after she observed her get up abruptly from her Zoom crochet club meeting and sprint to the bathroom.
“But then I heard the bath faucet come on, so I was like, ‘Oh, I guess she really needed a bath. That’s a thing, right?’”
However, after versions of this scenario began playing out multiple times a day over multiple months, Lina found it harder to ignore the evidence in front of her. The rampant depletion of the apartment toilet paper supply. The industrial-size shipment of Poo-Pourri fragrance spray and constantly lit candles.
“Looking back, it’s pretty obvious what’s been going on. I mean, sometimes she sleeps in there.”
Throughout the months of quarantine, Brittany has continually maintained excuses for the behavior of her inflamed tummy tubes, claiming she’s going in the shared bathroom to scrub her dead foot skin, freeze her warts, pluck her chin hairs, or spend some quality time with an old photo of Josh Hartnett.
Lina feels validated in knowing that Brittany’s intestines indeed are absolute trash, and plans to spend more of her time tracking her roommate’s behavior.
“Should I be spending this much energy dissecting my roommate’s bowel situation?” mused Lina, “Probably not, but it’s better than turning on the news.”
Brittany could not be reached for direct comment, but we did hear several grunting sounds coming from the bathroom.