State Moves Into Unannounced Goth Phase of Reopening

In an unexpected move from the Governor of Massachusetts Charlie Baker, the state will move into an unannounced Goth Phase today.


The state had planned to begin phase 2 of reopening when the Governor announced things would be “actually going goth for a while.”


Baker said the move is “…just who we are now, maybe who we were on the inside all along,” before going back to his notebook where he was shading in the drawing of a tattoo he’s thinking of getting: an image of a bat priestess.


As of this morning, all Massachusetts residents are expected to wear eyeliner in public. Public activities now allowed in the state include black magic, witchcraft, vampire role-play, coven gatherings, and readings of dark poetry.



Asked how long he was planning to continue all this, Governor Baker whined, “Oh my God, stop asking me that!” and slammed the door to his office.


Baker later came out to greet reporters with a fresh piercing he refused to address. Instead, he wordlessly taped a piece of paper to his podium and walked away. The paper contained a list of new rules for the state, written in calligraphy.


“Leave people alone if they’re wearing black nail polish. Stay six feet away. Studs and chains are not nearly as dangerous as this virus. Listen to Joy Division. We are more than just a freak show. We are rebels.”


Critics say this decision is “ridiculous” and “costing taxpayers way too much money.”


The Governor has not announced an end date to this phase of reopening, but his friends say it “won’t last.”