Looking to make a stand against the patriarchy while entertaining this holiday season? Take a hint from Anne Grant, the Chicago native who baked six months’ worth of Loestrin into a pumpkin pie! Whoa! Patriarchy, consider yourself destroyed!
Needless to say, our minds are totally blown.
Grant gave the archaic, sexist idea that “women belong in the kitchen” the 2015 makeover it deserves. By stuffing this classic dessert with 200 tablets of female hormones, she baked a pie that screams, “I’m super DTF, and IDGAF who knows!” Grant herself also screamed this phrase out her window, while the hormone-laden pie sat cooling on the sill. “I’m sick of pies that are just there to taste good or be festive,” says Grant, wearing a t-shirt with the phrase, “Eat My Pie” emblazoned on the chest. “Today, we say no more to the patriarchy’s idea of dessert. Today, we are serving up flaky, delicious empowerment! Come at me, sperm!!”
Planned Parenthood? More like Planned PIE-renthood!
We are dy-ing!
Grant didn’t even take the subversive route and crush up the pills—she went straight for the jugular of entrenched misogyny and filled the pie with full-sized white and pink birth control tablets. Brilliant, revolutionary, delicious. This isn’t your mom’s second-wave pie!
“That pie stopped my hot flashes!” says Maureen O’Rourke, Grant’s next-door neighbor. “Anne put the ‘progress’ in progestin!”
Admit it, ladies—we’ve all dreamed of doing this. Popping several months of oral contraceptives into a pie (or cake, maybe scones) to scream a definitive “F you!” to the patriarchy. While we may only make 78 cents on the dollar, we do have the power to make delicious treats guaranteed to zap any sperm that squiggles up our tubes.
Morning after pill? How ’bout a “I’m hungry for baby-free sex and pie right now” pill!
Sure, eating a slice of pie infused with 20 oral contraceptives may cause extreme vomiting, nipple discharge, and a completely decimated sex drive. But nothing of substance in this life comes easy, least of all social justice revolutions. So, taking this bold stance against gender inequality? Totally worth the ten days of wicked vaginal irritation! Chauvinism is dead.
Total. Effing. Brilliance.
It’s over. Feminism has outdone itself again, thanks to Anne Grant’s pie filled to the brim with estrogen, progesterone and iron. Who knew fighting the man could be so delicious?!
