Life’s most profound questions—why am I here? What is consciousness? What is the meaning of god?—are fascinating to ponder and discuss, but require intellectual effort that not everyone is willing to exude. Sometimes even your closest friends are unwilling to tackle these existential quandaries out of sheer psychological apathy and diversion. While your friends are out partying, socializing, and spending the night with another warm body, these five philosophy books will make you a better person than your friends—except at fucking:
The Republic, Plato, 380 BCE
An essential philosophical text, this Socratic dialogue written by Plato discusses the meaning of justice and how that factors into a person’s happiness. Not only does Plato criticize the sociological conditions of Socrates’ Greece and present solutions to those problems—he also says absolutely nothing about how to pleasure your lover. This text introduces the theory of forms, the immortality of the soul, and will not make you better at giving oral. Sorry.
An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding, David Hume, 1748
In this text (Hume’s follow-up revision to his lesser-received, earlier A Treatise of Human Nature) the Scottish philosopher David Hume discusses the different breeds of philosophy and the origin of ideas. Are ideas merely the conjunction of imagination and sensation? He ponders this concept throughout the chapters of the book, and never once mentions how to suggest sex positions that aren’t missionary without coming off as too forward. This will not improve your sex.
Beyond Good and Evil, Friedrich Nietzsche, 1886
Friedrich Nietzsche is one of the preeminent philosophers of modern times. In Beyond Good and Evil, he questions the true nature of morality, and lambasts previous philosophers for relying too heavily on dogmatic principles to define morality. However, he in no way provides a tool for achieving simultaneous orgasm during sex.
Zhuangzi, Zhuang Zhou, 3rd Century BCE
This ancient chinese text contains stories and anecdotes that help to explain the philosophy of Daoism, often humorous or irreverent in nature. However, even though it’s fun, you’re losing out on clockable fucking-hours with each chapter you read and are likely even getting worse at sex.
Critique of Pure Reason, Immanuel Kant, 1781
This book is widely considered to be one of the paragons of influential philosophical readings. Your hot friend Kelsey isn’t reading it though because she is using her time to bang dudes and become a fully resonant sexual creature.
Read these philosophy texts and you’ll be well-versed in the concepts of rationalism, but you’ll still be boring in bed. Your call.
