Theaters Remain Closed this Season Due to Your Shitty One-Act Play

Upon updated guidance from the CDC and some unfortunate souls who have read your play, city leaders in Akron, OH decided that all theaters should remain closed through the summer due to the looming threat of your shitty one-act.


“Mass gatherings are still a tenuous proposition as the entire population is not close to being fully vaccinated,” says one city councilman. “But regular people are in great danger of having to see your garbage one-act play, which you had the gall to make about a college student living in the pandemic. Like, seriously? Too soon, much?”


“We’re still trying to determine what’s worse for our community,” he added. “Vaccine-hesitant citizens and relaxed health guidelines, or a coming-of-age play lacking even an iota of self-awareness.”


While many people are disappointed at the delayed reopening of the theaters, which is keeping theater professionals unemployed for the time being, the vast majority is grateful that they won’t be put at risk of accidentally catching your play at a one-act festival.



“I miss theater, but I just want my community to be safe,” says Akron resident, Tara Walker. “Safe from losing 45 minutes of their life to a play that has no clear conflict, and is, for some reason, also a musical.”


While some are concerned about the possibility of a Zoom production of your play, most are just relieved that they will never have to see it themselves.


As of May 12, theaters will remain closed until September, or when you ultimately move to New York to “follow your dreams”.