The Top 5 Spells to Cure HPV

We all know what a bitch Human Papilloma Virus can be, but what many people don’t know is that it can be cured with a few simple spells. Skip the pap smear, ditch the warts, and forget about ovarian cancer with these five easy spells to cure your latest bout of this pesky virus:


“Papillomum Exumai!”
This gem of a spell is as old as HPV itself. This spell is most effective when screeched after lighting a few candles and draping yourself in black shrouds. This one is really gonna end it once and for all!


“Virai Eradickus!”

Have you heard that getting vaccinated for HPV can be dangerous? Then don’t do it! If you suspect that you’ve caught a case of the Papilloma Blues, just sink into a deep squat and chant “Virai Eradickus” four to six hundred times or until the papules start to heal.


“Dilecti somnium volo longe Nunc proieci te ad sinus.”
This incantation is for HPV caught at summer music festivals, such as Bonaroo or Coachella. These strains of the virus seem to be particularly resistant to traditional spells, so chanting this Latin nightmare-eradicating spell is pretty much your only chance of ever being HPV-free again.



“Reparo Perinium!”

Take a magnifying glass and wait until the summer solstice, or if you don’t have that much time, wait for the sun to be at its peak. Point the magnifying glass at your HPV and this foolproof spell to zap away even the most stubborn growths. This is real-life magic in action!


Heal soundly! And if you grew up using your family’s own unique charm to cure HPV, share in the comments below!