5 Sugar Substitutes to Help You Die Slower

Let’s just say it: Sugar is the devil. Sneaking into practically everything we eat, these sweet granules can cause heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. But we have good news! There are plenty of natural substitutes to stave off sugar’s dangerous metabolic effects and help you die just a little bit slower. Here are five of them:


Coconut Sugar

Newest to the scene of mainstream sugar replacements, this sweetener is made from dehydrated coconut palm sap that’s sure to muffle the sound of death’s footsteps growing ever closer. It’s subtly sweet and perfect for baking. Just remember to chew thoroughly; you’re one wrong move away from choking on that paleo cookie, and then you’d have to admit that even you can’t play God.




Honey is perfect for stirring into tea, drizzling on cereal, or baking into bread. It’s healthy, affordable and fragrant, and halts the slow march of death for just a few more steps! Perfect on apples or for attracting bears—just make sure to observe these from a distance so as not to undo all your hard staying-alive work!


Agave Syrup

Instead of poisoning your coffee with sugar every morning, try this sweet syrup from the blue agave plant. Although its unhealthy fructose percentage is actually greater than high fructose corn syrup, its natural, unprocessed origins might keep the Great Harbinger of Death from knocking at your door for at least another few minutes.


Maple Syrup

This decadent New England treat is best served on pancakes or swirled into a natural barbeque sauce. It may be expensive, but it’s worth it to know you’ll live longer, unless you get hit by a stray bullet on your way to Whole Foods because life is just a string of meaningless events that ends with one certain conclusion… dessert! Just kidding, death.


Regardless of how you choose to sweeten your life, know that it will eventually end. Happy substituting!