The Quaintest Vineyards to Fuck So Hard In

Long Fall weekends were made for scenic drives to charming vineyards. But rustic groves and cozy wine caverns aren’t just for sipping Merlot—they also set the perfect mood for some serious outdoor fucking. After all, you’ll never be more relaxed, or better lit than when you’re drinking booze in the sundrenched countryside without the ability to check your emails. Here are the quaintest grape-houses to hit when you want to fuck like there’s no tomorrow.


Golden Sunset Winery and Farmstead

Tucked away in Charlottesville, this family-run vineyard boasts a picturesque 1920s cottage-style tasting room with radiant sunset views. It’s the perfect place to sip an exquisite vintage, breath in the country air, and then lean over the balcony railing for some hot and heavy bonestorming. Listen carefully and you can almost hear the twitter of evening larks between the vicious ass slaps.


Elk Storm Wines

Elk Storm Wines is home to the country’s oldest wine cellar: an intimate, subterranean gothic chamber, which is just poorly lit enough for you two to look pretty hot to each other when you squint. Within a few minutes you’ll abandon the terrifically old man droning on about tannins, slip behind the Chardonnays, and pop each other’s corks until neither of you can walk, again and again and again, until you pass out.


Cold Creek Cellars

Cold Creek Cellars is named for the babbling brook that snakes through its fields, where your turtleneck-clad man can walk along its scenic shore in the crisp evening air, tear off his shirt, and let out a guttural noise as he thrusts inside of you. Soon you’ll be pulling him to the ground and riding his dick harder than pit pony at the county fair.



Mountaintop Estate & Winery

Mountaintop Estate and Winery harbors a romantic little 18th-century chapel on its grounds. It’s so heart-warmingly quaint that you’ll soon be grabbing the lush grape vines that hang from the ceiling and knotting them together to make a leafy sex swing for some bun-crushing bow-chick-a-wow-wow. It’s so nice to get away together.


Stag’s Head Wines

Impeccable vintages? Check. Rolling hillsides? Check. An old-school wine cavern that’s so melancholy yet beautiful that you’ll be swept away on a wave of bittersweet nostalgia that naturally leads to a mess of your own sex juices across the pastoral landscape? Check. You’ll be fucking so hard it will change the flavor of the next grape harvest, guaranteed.



Vineyards represent an old, revered tradition that has much to offer us—good drink, good food and good company. But most importantly, a way nicer place to fuck so much harder than you can on your living room couch.