The fashion-forward femme knows no evening outfit is complete without the perfect clutch—and no formal event is complete without a swarm of pests discreetly released from said clutch. Releasing vermin is the perfect way to cause a front-page sensation at the Heart Association Tulip Ball or Golden Globes after-party while maintaining a flawless façade! These delicate purses will fit one lipstick, one credit card, and several creepy, crawly, bewhiskered showstoppers for a truly unforgettable evening.
Badgley Mischka Jennie Jeweled Silk Evening Clutch (Neiman Marcus, $295)
Radiating simplicity and purity, this dainty, snow-white clutch is ideal for the red carpet ingénue—the wide-eyed lamb whom no one will suspect of dumping hundreds of silverfish into the folds of her rival’s dress. Oopsie! Who’s the best choice to play Bradley Cooper’s mom now?! Certainly not her. She’s covered in bugs!
Alexander McQueen Studded Leather Envelope Clutch (Bergdorf Goodman, $895)
Among a woman’s most important personal effects are her wit and personality, which make her relatable to even the most hapless of victims. This darling polka-dot McQueenie is just sassy enough to crown you HBIC even before you release the hissing cockroaches just as a major donor begins his keynote speech. Justified or not, no one would deny your impact if they knew!
Bottega Veneta Woven Satin Knot Minaudière with Snake Trim (Neiman Marcus, $1,550)
The Italian intrecciato (woven knot) pattern exudes confidence and restraint, both of which are essential elements of a proper vermin-release. This clutch shows you’re secure enough to rock a print and pair that print with tasteful solids, yet self-controlled enough not to betray your plans to garnish every dinner plate with a single baby asp. Pro tip: Get your Cleopatra on after everyone sees how much of your gala dinner you leave uneaten—it’s part of your campaign to get tiny enough to fit inside your own clutch! Then, you will truly be the vermin queen!
Edie Parker Fiona Faceted Acrylic Clutch (Bergdorf Goodman, $1,595)
It’s unlikely a purse can get more elegantly feminine than this elegant, feminine purse. The unassuming mother-of-pearl will throw everyone else in line for the bathroom off your trail; after all, you’re just checking your mascara in the vanity mirror, not whispering instructions to a mass of language-comprehending locusts hungry for escape. Make sure you’re seen redoing your face during the celebrity stampede—Page Six will know who kept her cool! This is your chance!!!
Valentino Embellished Evening Clutch (Barneys, $4,395)
Can you even handle these wee beaded flowers? How could anyone wearing such dainty flora be such a dastardly villain? This petite clutch has been known to make women appear instantly more winsome (that’s fancy-talk for “fuckable”), and its hypnotic design will distract your tablemates from the army of black widows descending from the ceiling as the Best Actress nominees are announced. With any luck, one of them will get bitten! It’s your time to shine now, baby!
Judith Leiber Couture Crystal Beatnik Cat Minaudière (Neiman Marcus, $5,595)
Carrying this purse requires some next-level cunning; it has an equal chance of landing you on a Best Dressed or Worst Dressed list, but its eccentricity has a hidden perk: everyone will be too busy questioning your sanity to consider whether or not it contains a horde of hungry mice—or, if you’re feeling minimalist, a pair of sexed-up rats—to liven up opening night at the Met. Stand tall and look harmlessly daffy while anticipating your perfect sabotage!
These exquisite clutches will leave a ladylike impression at your event while expertly masking your capacity for villainous acts of social terror. Enjoy causing consternation while looking like a sensation! And don’t forget to disinfect afterward—those vermin carry all kinds of shit.
