Cocaine is one of the most versatile accessories around: It can add a hint of danger to your punk pleather pants or a dash of glamour to your fugly bridesmaid dress. It’s also the most socially acceptable way to wear white after Labor Day! If you want to incorporate cocaine into your look, though, you’ll need to choose a stylish way to tote it around. Here are our favorite little clutch purses that we strongly suggest you buy and fill with cocaine ASAP cause it’ll be so so goddamn cute and fun holy shit!!
Tevolio Pearl Clutch (Target, $39.99)
This innocent, pearl-encrusted purse would never dare house a grain of “Snow White”, much less sit idly next to your feet as you snort lines off the toilet at your sister’s fairy-tale second wedding, right? WRONG! It’s literally begging to be stuffed with nasal passage-burning goodness! Our hearts are palpitating at the thought of how adorable we’e look carrying this cutesy clutch unexpectedly stuffed with coke.
Vera Bradley Quilted Harper Clutch in Black (Vera Bradley, $148)
This unpretentious, earnest clutch is ideal for the coke-toting modern woman who works hard and snorts harder. It’s perfect for all occasions, whether you’re snorting rails off your company-comped iPad during breakfast or sneaking bumps in your Uber on the way to karaoke night. Whatever the occasion, this bag shrieks, “I’m successful, I’m immortal, and I can’t feel my fucking gums!” Give it up for Vera!!!
Sequin and Jewel Embellished Clutch Bag (ASOS, $35)
This bag is so freaking shiny, it just gave us all nosebleeds! A bag this spangled should be as illegal as the massive amounts of coke welong insideillegal it! Seriously, when you’re done quivering with excitement at your new purchase, go ahead and stuff this pretty little thing with crystalline nose candy for a look so fabulous, every blood vessel in your left eye will pop!
Leo Clutch (Rebecca Minkoff, $95)
This fire-engine red clutch is a classic choice for a coked-out gal about to extemporaneously lead a thunderously passive-aggressive toast to her sister’s second, lamer attempt at matrimonial bliss! The combination of luxe red leather and some pure white Columbian shit will put you in a state of euphoria lasting up to 40 minutes, or at least until you’re escorted out by Uncle Earl!
Alice + Olivia Rhinestone Waterfall Me Clutch, (Lyst.com, $595)
Think of this baller clutch as an investment piece, just like your last coke binge—and the one before that too. With a bag this fabulous, and enough smelling salts to go around, you’re certain to be the life of the party. At least, until you start shrieking, “Why the high-flying fuck is everyone staring at me right now?” like last time. Whoopsie-daisy!
Carry Some Sunshine (Etsy, $12)
This snazzy retro find is begging to be stuffed with the “cup of sugar” you scored from your upstairs neighbor Donny! You’ll look so adorable toting your coke in this—FUCK OH NO, it’s out of stock!!! Jesus, itnd I just punched my wall cause nothing good lasts anymore: not a gram of coke, not Etsy inventory, and definitely not your sister’s first marriage to that rich guy with a timeshare in Aspen.
Mini Ziploc Bags (Amazon, $2.79 for 1,000)
Sometimes, all you want is a no-frills handbag that gets the job done, and sometimes that job is to lug a whole lot of cocaine to your sister’s stupid, bullshit second wedding, am I right?? This adorable little clutch is perfect for carrying the bare essentials (fairy dust!!) as you contemplate the broken promises of your fucked up nuclear family!!
Carry a great big brick of coke in any of these stunning clutches for a totally adorable look that will make you the most popular girl at the club! Or at this absurd happily-ever-after charade that nobody even cared about to begin with, Lindsay!!!