Teacher Yearns for Simpler Days When Students Only Needed to Worry About Nuclear Attacks

In news out of Portland, ME, local elementary school teacher, Dana Mahoney, says she wishes we could return to simpler times, when all students had to worry about was nuclear attacks.


“There’s just so much going on in the world these days,” she tells reporters. “What with the epidemic of school shootings and everything. This wasn’t the case in the 50s. Things were so easy then, the only thing you had to worry about was the imminent threat of nuclear attacks.”


Mahoney expresses her desire for what those simpler times would’ve meant for her as a teacher, and how they would have benefited her students.


“We’re practicing lockdown drills every month now,” she says. “It’s really upsetting that this is our reality. I just wish we could get back to the days when all they had to do was practice fruitless duck-and-cover drills every day or walk to a hill nearby even though that wouldn’t save us either. It was better then.”



When reached for comment, some of Mahoney’s colleagues expressed similar sentiments.


“I’d take nuclear warfare over teaching during the pandemic any day,” said third grade teacher, Anya Izil. “Granted, it’s a pretty close call, but at least nuclear warfare would mean we’d get to take a few days off, you know?”


Fifth grade teacher, Pete Lee agreed, stating, “I’m practically dying to channel a growing panic over an escalating arms race. It’s better than arguing with parents on the PTA about critical race theory, anyway.”


School principal, Geena Wallace, says she wishes the teachers would abandon this pro “looming threat of nuclear war” mindset, maintaining that things aren’t as dire as the teachers are making them out to be.


“It’s not that bad!” she says. “Do we have cops lining the hallways and shaking down 5-year-olds for drugs every day? Yeah! Are we seriously considering arming our kindergarten teachers? Of course! But it’s not, like, the Cold War or anything!”


At press time, the resounding sentiment from teachers was that the Cold War was actually sounding pretty good at the moment.