According to an extensive study conducted by New York University, researchers have concluded what you always thought was true: The four aunts over there in the corner of the room are definitely talking about you.
The team of researchers has been at work for six years studying aunt behavior in various conditions, but found they made the most progress when focusing on the 2-3 hour window after dinner when aunts gather in a secluded area to converse among themselves to specifically talk about you and why you don’t have a boyfriend.
After compiling hours of footage at birthday parties, Passover seders, and funerals, the conclusion was undeniable.
“We were floored by the results,” says lead researcher, Dr. Patricia Kim, “We had an idea they were talking about you, but we had no idea to what degree.”
The published study exposed that while you thought the aunts were discussing you and your dating life, the discussion rapidly went from your dyed hair to your choice of culotte pants to the fact that you didn’t eat more than a bite of the casserole Aunt Sue Carol made and landed on why in the world no one wants to date you.
The researchers also noted that the four aunts covered so many topics they developed a system of categorization to stay organized.
“We divided the aunts’ discussions into four distinct categories: your physical appearance, your lack of relationship, your eating habits, and the time you cooked tikka masala and gave everyone food poisoning four years ago,” says Dr. Kim.
Subsequent tests attempted to get the aunts to talk about gemstones, chili recipes, and Blake Shelton, but 100% of the time they circled back to just shit talking you and the fact that you probably haven’t had sex in a while.
“The aunt brain is truly fascinating,” says Dr. Kim, “But to get four of them in a room and off to the side where they think they aren’t being heard? Their brains are working unbelievably fast.”
Despite being presented with factual evidence from a scientific study, the four aunts whispering loudly still claim they are not talking about you.
“We would never talk about you, you’re our little girl,” says Aunt Sheila. “We were just talking about your other cousin, Elena. She’ll never get into graduate school, poor thing. Dumb as a tack.”
