REPORT: The Average Woman Fucks 9 Spiders per Year

In a recent study of 2500 female participants from Quinnipiac University, researchers have discovered that the average woman has fucked nine spiders per year in their adult life.


While many myths about spiders have been reported in medical literature over the years, this is the very first study where women have reported spiders being “pretty good” to “excellent” in bed, and 99% of those reported that the spiders were “enthusiastic” about getting fucked.


“That number increases exponentially if the spider is hot, and even more if the spider is hot and nice,” says Dr. Amanda Frum, lead researcher on the study.


While a spider entering a woman’s bed on their own accord is unlikely, most women see the spider and seek it out directly for consensual intercourse.


“I had always heard that you eat nine spiders over the course of your life,” says a participant in the study. “That was terrifying. But getting to fuck them? That’s awesome. Men are basically irrelevant now.”


The medical professionals are stunned at their findings.


“What really surprised us in this study was the participants’ willingness to fuck the spiders, and talk about fucking the spiders,” says Dr. Frum. “This was originally supposed to be a sleep study.”


“But we were surprised by the spider’s willingness to go down on them,” Frum added.


When offered bed nets and spider repellant to reduce the likelihood of spiders entering their beds at night, over 95% of the control group said, “No, no, we love the spiders. Please let us fuck the spiders.”


Researchers are still unclear on why spiders have connected with women specifically, but suspect it has to do with their “kind eyes.”