Dude With Extremely Successful Girlfriend Optimistic About Financial Future

Danny Warner just knows that he has a bright future ahead of him. He’s absolutely positive of it, because he’s dating Hannah, a thriving, brilliant executive who has her life together.


“These things just have a way of working out, you know?” said Danny, who does not have any marketable skills or talents.


While Hannah toils away twelve hours a day at her hedge fund job, Danny is focused on other matters, like thinking about raising a family and possible retirement.


“I’m taking some time to focus on me, you know?” says Danny. “Maybe get my comedy career back on track. I may start a band. The universe works in mysterious ways, mainly by giving me a girlfriend who makes tons of money. I suddenly have all this free time to explore my creative process while remaining completely fiscally sound.”


Sources close to the couple say Danny has recently purchased an electric drum kit (with Hannah’s permission) and has been binge-watching Rick and Morty inside the duo’s Upper East Side apartment, which Hannah owns.


For her part, Hannah appears to be satisfied their relationship.


“I’m having a great time dating Danny,” says Hannah. “He’s kind and he’s compassionate. I’m proud of the man he’ll grow up to be someday and I’m a very proud mothe—sorry, I mean girlfriend.”


However, the brilliant businesswoman does admits that relationships often require hard work.


“Relationships are all about compromise,” says Hannah. “I work tirelessly and barely get six hours of sleep a night and I’ve had to tighten my budget to allow for Danny’s appetite. He eats a lot of takeout.”


“But I’ve also had to make sacrifices,” he added. “Like I had to pick up toilet paper a couple months ago, plus I open up all the mail.”



As for the future of their relationship, Danny isn’t sure what the future holds.


“I’m just going where the wind takes me, man,” says Danny. “Right now, I’m in the Upper East Side, but depending on the shifting winds and Hannah’s amazing credit score, who knows where I may follow her tomorrow because I have to on account of not having a job or anything going for me.”