Study Finds Eating One Chocolate Croissant a Day Does the Same Thing We Pretend a Glass of Red Wine Does

A welcome new study from John Hopkins University has found that consuming one chocolate croissant per day actually does all the same stuff that we pretend drinking red wine does, too!


“Many people may consider a chocolate croissant a special treat,” says Dr. Robin Garner. “But our team found that moderate consumption in the long run may actually lower your risk of heart disease, high cholesterol, and metabolic issues. It has to do with the cacao and antioxidants or some shit like that — don’t worry about it!”


We won’t!


Dr. Garner confirms that morale-boosting studies that help us feel positive about things we’re going to do anyway are an integral part of the scientific landscape, and she’s honored to have made a contribution.



“The hypothesis behind this research came to me, weirdly, while I was enjoying a pain au chocolat while on vacation in Southern France,” she says. “I just thought, ‘I feel so good right now. Surely there’s something to this,’ and there is!”


The study found that chocolate croissants are particularly impactful at aiding longevity when paired with access to quality healthcare and low stress.


“And speaking of things a chocolate croissant pairs well with,” adds Dr. Garner, “coffee! Which also adds years to your life. Or quitting it adds years to your life. Whatever you need to hear right now is okay!”


What a massive relief to have science on our side for once!


“For a long time, alcoholics and wine-enthusiasts alike have been touting the health benefits of a glass or three of merlot in the evening, because we need that, and also the only thing we actually know is that leafy greens are definitely good for you, so beyond that it’s just like anyone’s guess!” Dr. Garner says. “To that end, my team and I are proud to add yummy chocolate filled pastries to the list of enjoyable things we can pretend are secretly good for you.”


“Food science is always changing,” she adds. “So really, it’s not, not, not, untrue!”