Study Shows Two Glasses of Red Wine Increase Likelihood of Mothers Saying ‘I Did the Best I Could’

The health benefits of drinking red wine in moderation like reduced risk of cancer and heart disease are widely known, but a new study from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine revealed that two glasses of red wine can dramatically increase the likelihood of moms saying, “I did the best I could,” to just about anyone who’s around to hear it.


Researchers have found that two standard five-ounce servings of red wine will make any mom offer a totally unprovoked defense of their parenting with astounding regularity. 


“We’ve known for quite some time that a single glass of red wine can lower cholesterol,” said chief research officer Emanuel Cirenza. “But what’s shocking is how reliably two glasses will make a mother say, ‘I never claimed to be perfect,’ completely unprompted. It’s almost as though a fight-or-flight response has taken over, only instead of threatening to eat her, the perceived predator has called her an inadequate parent.”


One mother described the biological and emotional perfect storm that exactly two glasses of wine can create. 


“I was having dinner with my kids when I took a sip of merlot and was hit with a sudden wave of paranoia and guilt,” said Cecelia Collins, who had been in good spirits up to that point. “I tried to verbalize what was happening, but all that came out of my mouth was, ‘You didn’t come with an instruction manual, you know.’ Once I started my third glass I was fine, but things were touch and go for a minute there.”


Darcy Connor, the daughter of one woman enrolled in the study, witnessed one such episode firsthand.



“Mom and I were playing Scrabble and sharing a bottle of malbec when she blurted out, ‘Listen, I didn’t have any fancy parenting blogs or Nutrition Facts labels like they do now, OK? Give me a break.’ I was so confused. I have never once complained about her parenting. And by the way, I looked it up and they totally had Nutrition Facts labels back then.”


The study comes fresh on the heels of a New England Journal of Medicine report linking four Pacifico long necks to wistful dads muttering, “Christ, we were just kids ourselves.”