A recent study from a research team at the University of Virginia discovered that boyfriend Chris Macchi, in fact, has the worst cold anyone has ever had ever. The leading scientist of the all-male medical team, Dr. Gary Wilson, announced the finding in a news brief to the public shortly after the study’s conclusion was verified.
“Our hearts go out to Chris, who, empirically, has suffered more intensely and relentlessly than any individual before him,” said Dr. Wilson. “It is so horribly unjust that Chris has stoically battled this cold without any sympathy or recognition of his unmatched bravery and endurance.”
Macchi’s girlfriend, Willa Reed, objected to Dr. Wilson’s characterization of Macchi’s experience.
“I wouldn’t say he battled stoically,” said Reed. “And I definitely wouldn’t say he received no sympathy. He’s been complaining literally non-stop, and I’ve told him I’m sorry, scratched his back, and made him eight cups of tea.”
Despite her hesitance to acknowledge the full scope of Macchi’s adversity, Reed admitted that the findings of the study did help illuminate Macchi’s grave situation.
“If I’m being honest, I maybe thought Chris was sort of playing up the severity of his cold,” Reed admitted. “Like, when I have a cold I don’t really talk about it and I go about my day. He’s been home sick from work for almost a week. But I guess I can’t argue with science.”
The finding came as no surprise to Macchi, who had long suspected that his cold was the most severe to ever be endured in the history of humankind.
“Is this discovery shocking?” said Macchi. “Not in the slightest. My nose has been stuffed up for five days. Five days. Do you even know what that’s like? This is hell. It’s pure hell. And they say there’s no cure.”
Always a fighter and an optimist, Macchi managed to put a positive spin on the tragic study results.
“I don’t deserve this, but at least I was right, obviously,” said Macchi. “Willa’s always trying to tell me she ‘knows how I feel’ because she’s had colds too. But I always knew she didn’t really understand my pain.”
Back at home, Reed is still doing her best to care for Macchi despite knowing nothing of his agony. She was last seen grabbing him some Advil from the medicine cabinet and taking one herself.
“I just have really bad period cramps,” said Reed. “But I’m fine!”
