Miss America Pageant Ends Swimsuit Competition So Women Can Be Judged Solely on Their Faces

In a recent statement, The Miss America Organization’s chairwoman announced that come their next pageant in September, they’ll be scrapping the swimsuit portion of the competition. After a sexual harassment scandal and pressure from the #MeToo movement, they have decided from now on women shouldn’t be judged on their bodies, but rather on whether their faces are pretty and symmetrical.


“We have realized that the bikini portion of the competition is outdated and doesn’t reflect our mission to put our contestants’ intelligence and talents center stage,” says Miss America’s chairwoman Gretchen Carlson. “From this point on, women competing for Miss America will be judged solely on whether their faces have bones in the right place, whether their eyes are big and nice, and whether their smiles are good to look at.”


In previous years, the Miss America pageant asked their contestants to strip down to skimpy bikinis so they could be judged on their overall physical fitness. With this change, contestants will stay fully clothed and the whole competition will now ride solely on how their genetics played out on their faces.


“I think this change is a really positive one. It’s sexist to have women parading their bodies around to be judged,” says Gary Olden, a former Miss America pageant judge. “Instead, they’ll be in clothes, and the judges will have to be extra strict about the contestants’ faces and necks if they’re visible.”


“We are so looking forward to implementing this change and prioritizing women’s ideas,” says Simone Gordon, a former Miss America pageant winner. “I’m looking forward to having them speak on how they’ll better the world. I’m also excited to squint really hard to get a better sense of what their bodies would look like in a g-string.”


Sources confirm this change is an exciting one, because other pageants nationally, even worldwide might follow suit.


“We’re thrilled to be the leaders of this change in the pageant world,” says Carlson. “Ladies, we are ready for you to wow us with your brains. You know, your brains that live inside a glowy tan face that must have thick eyebrows, long lashes, straight pearly teeth, big lips and impossibly high cheekbones.”