A well-written resume is the first step to securing your dream job! Employers read countless resumes on a daily basis, so it’s important to stand out in the right way—by making them think you’re male. Accidentally interviewing women is a huge waste of company time and resources, so we suggest that all genders follow our useful hints to get your foot in to the next round and delay your ultimate rejection!
Mannish Vocabulary
These days most companies use a program to scan resumes for keywords pertaining to the position. It is important to include as many words that contain the letter sequence “m-a-n” as you can, as that is one of the most common search terms. Other skills? Handyman. Honors? Fraternity chapter president. In your cover letter, mention that you are “Bob’s nephew” as both “Bob” and “nephew” are popular search terms. If anyone calls you out for purposefully using male word choices, simply remind them that gender is a construct before asking about their benefits package.
Use Spell Check
There is nothing less professional than having basic spelling errors in your resume. Employers look for these kinds of mistakes, especially in something as crucial as your name. For example, make sure to spell your name as “Tim”, “Brad”, or “Neal”, and definitely not as “Tiffany”. A 2011 study at Stanford showed that those who misspelled their name as “Amy” were 75% less likely to get hired than those who correctly spelled their name as “Steve”.
Formatting
Hiring managers are always looking for subtle hints that you’ll be a good fit (i.e. that you’re a man). Formatting is a great non-verbal way to show your prospective employers that you’re a serious (male) candidate. Keep your resume clean and simple, with black type on a white background and a coffee stain that shows you are bold enough to drink coffee. Leaving a one-inch margin shows that you are able to refrain from doodling hearts and daisies on expanses of plain paper, which in turn will lead the recruiter to believe that you are definitely not a woman.
Have Good References
A good reference is someone who knows you well, will say good things about you, and who is a man. Having a good reference allows the recruiter to have a productive man-to-man discussion with them about your work performance. A man-to-man conversation calms the recruiter, allowing them to check in on any recent sports scores and not think about how stressful it would be to work with a woman.
Add an Objective
Objectives are a great intro to your resume. It gives your prospective employer a clear picture of what you’re looking for and what you can offer them. Here are some great examples of some very hirable objectives:
- “to obtain a meaningful job and not encumber my company with maternity leave requests as soon as I am hired”
- “to achieve a high ranking position in a respected PR company and to never pump breast milk at work because why would I have breasts?”
Clear Job Descriptions
Elaborate on what you did, did you have to be really strong or unemotional to accomplish a task? Cut a couple of years off of each position on your resume to make it seem like you were promoted at the normal male rate. Ensure that all expanses of unemployment that may or may not have been spent giving birth to a human are explained away with soul-searching road trips with your elderly mutt.
When you are finished with your resume, it is a nice touch to have an attractive white man hand-deliver it purporting to be you. You go, girl!
