Look at you: You are living the dream! You got married before all those other uggos, popped out a few kids, and achieved every life milestone your grandmother believed mattered back in Iowa circa 1956. You basically beat all of your friends at life! But ruh-roh, what do you do now? Never fear! Just because your life feels like an empty shell doesn’t mean you can’t fill the void with an imaginary job in high-end fashion! Here are some great, sad “design” jobs you can amuse yourself with in your gilded cage:
Small Dog Couture
Like all lonely housewives, you love your small, yappy shih tzu more than your husband or children. After popping a Xanax for both you and your pooch (no one ever understands how stressed your little Céline can get!), take you daughter’s old prom dress without asking, cut it into pieces, and sew a beautiful new garment for your pup. There! Your life is now so much more fulfilling, and so is the life of the only other mammal who understands you! Now invite all your friends to a doggy fashion show in an event space that usually hosts weddings and shout, “Work, bitches! Work!!” So funny!
Freelance Personal Style Consultant
A great way to overcome excessive boredom and crushed secret dreams is to project your issues onto others. Your husband and children are probably already sick of it, but did you know that your can offer constructive criticism to strangers? Girl, hightail it to the nearest Bloomie’s, hang out by the dressing rooms, and start talking to the first person who mistakenly makes eye contact with you. As you urge them to go a size up, don’t forget to tell them that you had a 22-inch waist when you got married and lament the fact that women never take care of themselves anymore. If they deny your services, don’t worry—your bottle of Pinot Grigio is chilling in the fridge waiting for you. This career is already over and you’re still financially stable!
The internet can provide you with all the validation you’re too insecure to give yourself. Because, hey, you know everyone is dying to see what you would wear if you were invited to the Met Gala instead of sitting around an empty house in Lululemon yoga pants while binge-watching reality TV! Keep pinning until someone agrees that you actually matter! And even if they don’t, you can just go back to hanging around the house shouting barbs at your housekeeper!
Facebook Fashion Critic (Just For Your Kids)
Does your daughter really dress like that? Are you threatened that she gets more attention than you? Is aging lonely? Your voice deserves to be heard. Comment on those photos! If there is anything positive about your offspring’s appearance, be sure to remind them that they got it from you. This will definitely earn you your yearly wife bonus from your rich husband!
These fun fashion careers will help you overcome the overwhelming ennui you experience every waking moment of the day and help you forget that it’s been a decade since you and your husband discussed anything other than in-laws and your kids. You might silently question your identity, but dammit, you’re going to do it in style!