Hey, you—yes, you! It’s time we talk about the shoes that you wear. It’s getting a little out of hand. We’ve done our best to figure out a nice way to say this, but there is none, so we just made a list of shoe do’s and don’ts, except they are all don’ts, and they are just for you specifically.
Boots in the Summer
We’re just going to ignore the fact that you’re still into Uggs for the time being. But boots in general are not something to pair with shorts. Boots are for looking professional in the fall and winter when it’s too cold for anything else. But you wore boots all summer long, even to the beach, and we’re genuinely concerned about your life choices. Sweetie, no. It’s not cold. No boots.
Even when kitten heels are on trend, they are unacceptable. Your feet will not thank you for making them suffer through all the pain of wearing heels without any of the visual benefits. We wish we could’ve told you earlier not to wear these on your wedding day, but we never thought we would have to. No more, okay? It’s for the best.
Those Toe Shoes
Essentially just rubber toe socks, this “footwear” was designed to improve exercise. But honey, you know you don’t exercise. So why don’t we just take those scary little flippers back to the dumpster from whence they came? Good girl, good girl.
Turquoise shoes are never necessary. This isn’t even about fashion anymore. This is like basic aesthetic advice. Like having-eyes-that-work advice. We’re sorry if that’s harsh, but we’re only trying to help you. And everyone else, because this is starting to become a public health concern. The public’s eyes are at risk! It is your fault.
Old, Bad Shoes
Oh my god, we couldn’t even see the label, but those things you wore to brunch last weekend were a “don’t” before they hit the discount rack you must’ve found them on in 2001. As soon as we saw them, we knew you were not okay. We just want to see you get your twinkle back, okay darling? And by “your twinkle back” we mean “rid of those hideous shoes”.
This list is based solely on the shoes that we’ve witnessed you leave the house in, but we’re afraid there are more lurking in your closet. You know what, just throw out all your shoes. We’re here if you need help, and we’re so proud of you for taking these steps toward a better life. Now take off those eyesores you’re wearing before we throw up on them.