Models! How do they do it? Genetics, mostly. But you can still live the glamorous, jet-setting life of a model, even if you look nothing like one. Anyone can act like a model where it counts the most: the toilet! Here’s how to pee like a model.
Hydrate for Tay-Tay!
The first thing you need to pee like a model is pee. You must drink eight glasses of water a day, both to hydrate your skin and to be able to pee like a gorgeous person would. While you’re drinking and peeing, imagine Taylor Swift next to you at all times. Taylor is friends with every model in the world, and once you’ve got her on your side (in your imagination), you’ll be appearing onstage with her in no time (also in your imagination). Or backstage, where you can piss together like besties. OMG BFF PP!!!
America’s Next Top Aimer
Tyra Banks’ docudrama America’s Next Top Model teaches us to model “from H to T”—or “head to toe”, for you non-model-pee-ers out there! That means that from the moment you step into the bathroom, you should stand your tallest, lengthen your neck, find the light with the good side of your face, and strut like a thoroughbred in high heels up to that porcelain throne. Just make sure you’re not too distracted to actually get your pee in the toilet bowl. Do you wanna be on top—of the toilet? Uh, yes, you do!
A rookie mistake that a non-model would make is to sit on the toilet seat. Gross! Middle-aged non-models pee on that thing all the time. Besides, sitting is way too easy on your glutes! Being a model is about finding quick, easy ways to integrate exercise into your daily life. A better choice is to squat over the toilet seat as if Michael Kors is right outside the door yelling, “You’d better not be eating in there!!”
Glam, Grab, and Go!
The last step to peeing like a model is to do so in designer clothing. “But I’m just a normal person,” you’re probably saying. Well, models get to wear pricey clothing for free while they work. If you aren’t being handed free clothing just for showing up places, then you’ll need to obtain the expensive stuff via other methods, like stealing. Soon, you’ll own gowns galore in which to urinate! Be sure to strike a dramatic pose while you pee, or else that YSL heist will have been a total waste.
Not everyone can be America’s most worthy kind of female. And yet you can endeavor to eliminate liquid waste like one. Beauty doesn’t stop at the bathroom door just because you want a few moments of peace and quiet! Keep calm and pee like a model!