Scientists Explain: How Do Cops Sleep at Night?

A panel of experts across disciplines that include Neuroscience, Ethics, and Psychology all banded together to explain the question that is on everyone’s mind: How do cops sleep at night? Seriously, how?!


We were able to speak to Dr. Linda Zhao, head researcher at Harvard University about the working theories that are developing.


“Well the first theory is that they must be very good at compartmentalizing what they’re doing and how much suffering is caused by their position,” Dr. Zhao explained. “It’s really easy to pretend you’re not a cog in a murderous and racist machine if you smile a lot and people still say hi to you on the street.”


Researchers learned that cops sleep at night by telling themselves they’re “one of the good ones”, ignoring local and national data, and watching lots of 21 Jump Street, Zootopia, and Brooklyn 99 to alleviate the bad, bad feelings at night.



“It’s still truly mind-boggling,” says Dr. Zhao. “We’re starting to think they must lack an ability for critical thinking, which ultimately helps them to sleep soundly, thinking they are heroes, no matter how many times they fuck up.”


At press time, the panel was continuing their research, this time focused on how self-proclaimed “good cops” are able to be compliant pals with their racist, killer coworkers.