Education Secretary Betsy DeVos doled out a few helpful suggestions this Sunday evening for parents struggling with the shifting state of education during COVID-19 at a White House press conference.
“I’ve heard all your concerns about continuing home-schooling and took them to heart,” DeVos began. “This is why I’ve decided it’ll probably just be easier to reopen schools without any concrete plan and we’ll just, fingers-crossed, hope your kids die.”
The Education Secretary went on to explain the reopening plan.
“In lieu of assignment packets, Zoom office hours, socially distanced visits, and the other numerous ways teachers have developed on their own to continue education during a pandemic without any extra pay, the Department of Education has decided that reopening schools amid America’s highest peak in COVID-19 cases is the easiest way to reduce the burdens overall.”
Reports indicate the “burdens” DeVos was referring to were the lives of children.
“I don’t want you to think we’re going to lose all the kids, or that I don’t care about kids dying,” DeVos explained after hearing some alarmed responses. “I just think over 14,000 kids dying isn’t that big of a deal, and on the bright side that’s like 28,000 parents who no longer have to deal with homeschooling!”
“There was also a lot of talk about the federal government not helping public schools at all during a global pandemic while we bailed out tons of private companies, and I want you to know I hear you,” added DeVos. “Part of the plan is that with reopening schools, many members of teaching staff, faculty, and administration will also die, which is, in terms of our national budget, a win-win situation.”
At press time, DeVos was spotted changing into her grim reaper nightgown before peacefully going to bed.