A study out of the University of Rhode Island has confirmed that, sure, cereal has absolutely no nutritional value, but what it lacks in vitamins and minerals, it more than makes up for in pizzazz.
“Our research team found that most cereals do not give you a ‘statistically significant dose of fiber,’ per se,” said Lead Researcher Kelly Jameson. “But it does have a certain star quality to it, right? Like, cereal is so fun. The colors? The shapes? Come on!”
Sources confirm cereal does clock in as a -2 out of 10 on the FDA’s new nutritional content scale, but a 15 out of 10 on their scale for stage presence and charm.
“When General Mills came to us with ‘Lucky Charms,’ I’ll admit I was skeptical,” said FDA representative Jared Damena, taking a long drag from a cigarette. “We tested it for nutritional value, and by all means it is extremely unhealthy and should be banned from the shelves. But then I saw the little marshmallows and was like, ‘Now we’re talking! There’s the razzle dazzle!’”
Contrary to giving cereal manufacturers nutrition requirements, they are instead legally required to “bring it” on design, presentation, and star quality.
“Does most cereal turn milk gray if you leave it in there for too long? Yeah,” Kelly continued. “Does it hurt my tummy every time I eat some? Absolutely. But does it have a certain panache that other breakfast foods simply cannot compete with? You bet your ass it does.”
“According to cereal lore, the inventors of Cheerios first made the cereal by pooling together all the sawdust from a sawdust factory,” Jared continued. “Which is evident in the fact that it clogs the ‘ol digestive tract like a brick. But the circles? The circles are a game-changer.”
If a consumer is seeking nutrition, scientists confirm yogurt is right there, bitch.
“Cereal is for ballers. Cereal is for the ones who live without fear,” Jared continued. “It’s about doing something new. It’s about pushing the boundaries of what technically counts as a food. It’s about looking daily fiber intake recommendations in the eye and saying, ‘You don’t run my fucking life.’”
At press time, scientists broadened the scope of their study and came to the conclusion that ice cream is unhealthy unless it’s shaped like Spiderman or Spongebob.
