In a thrilling discovery that will send ripples through the entire scientific community, researchers have definitively identified the fifth dimension and have discovered that it is words of affirmation.
“We’ve known that the first three dimensions are spatial and the fourth—as used in relativistic physics—is time, but the fifth dimension eluded us,” said Dr. Mayim Wheeler, chair of the Yale Institute for Astrophysics. “At long last, we know the fifth dimension is when someone gives you a really nice compliment or your mom says, ‘Good job.’”
Researchers confirm it’s the only dimension that can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like, really appreciated and seen as you are.
While the research team is credited with the discovery, the breakthrough moment came from Dr. Wheeler’s girlfriend, Hannah.
“I came home and was complaining about how stumped we were,” Dr. Wheeler recalls. “Then all of a sudden Hannah said, ‘Wait…isn’t the fifth dimension words of affirmation or acts of service or something? By the way, I see how hard you’ve been working and I’m really proud of you.’”
After saying thank you to her girlfriend, Dr. Wheeler laughed the idea off.
“But then I really thought it through,” she told reporters. “And it hit me: Dear God, she’s right.”
“We’ve been looking for something to unify four of the fundamental interactions in nature: gravity, electromagnetism, and strong and weak nuclear forces,” Wheeler continued. “Seems like the one thing they all share is a need to be loved and approved, verbally.”
The team added that backhanded compliments or insincere affirmation don’t count, so literally don’t even try it.
“The fifth dimension is specifically limited to genuine words of affirmation,” said researcher Joon Kim. “So if someone’s like, ‘I love your sweater,’ but they don’t, that’s actually not the fifth dimension.”
This discovery does confirm the theory by mathematician Theodor Kaluza and physicist Oskar Klein that the fifth dimension is not observable. But boy, can you feel it.
“Previously, we’ve had to use a Large Hadron Collider to record the indirect effects of the fifth dimension and prove it exists,” continued Kim. “Now we can just tell someone they’re great and watch their face light up.”
The team celebrated this fantastic discovery with some quality time, gift giving, and physical touch.
In a concurrent discovery, psychologists have found a sixth love language, and it’s “the fabric of space-time.”
