In a move the majority of locals have described as “reasonable” and “a longtime coming,” Denver, CO rock climbing gym Grip, Inc. is now requiring proof of being in an open relationship before allowing new members to join.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” said longtime Grip member, Ava Gonzalez. “It kind of already felt like a requirement just based on the look of everyone here, but I’m glad it’s out in the open now.”
In addition to being in an open relationship, the gym now also requires members to drive a Subaru Outback and have a wardrobe comprised of at least 70% Patagonia.
The gym states that it will make an exception for those who are divorced, those who are in a relationship that’s not open but are actively seeking a third, and anyone they think is hot.
“I’m in an open relationship, and my partner and I both work at Grip,” explained employee Greta Fairchild. “Obviously we’re going to let the hotties join, open relationship or no.”
The gym clarified that they don’t require all of their employees to be in open relationships, but that’s just kind of how things shook out.
“It seems like the vast majority of individuals who are interested in scaling rock walls with their bare hands are also interested in ‘keeping things open’ with their partners,” said Grip, Inc. founder Dave Gaines. “Making it a requirement for our members just seemed like the natural next step in fostering a welcoming space for like-minded individuals.”
Sources say this decision has only amplified the near-incestuous levels of climber-to-climber canoodling that was already extremely present in the gym.
“Everyone’s fucking,” one climber, Ysabel Henderson, put simply. “And if you’re not fucking, you’re climbing. Our endurance is, frankly, insane.”
Impressive physical stamina or no, some members have found the gym’s new requirement to be exhausting.
“I’m so, so tired,” veteran climber Aaron Fry told reporters. “It’s become almost too easy to find new sexual partners in this gym, now that I’m aware that everyone is open and looking. As a person in an open relationship, I can confidently say that people in open relationships should not be given this much opportunity.”
At press time, the gym had rescinded the rule as people would not stop fucking in the locker rooms, and the space was becoming, as they put it, “absolutely foul.”
