In a developing story coming out of San Francisco, CA, 26-year-old Uma Green has found herself feeling pretty bad for the past few weeks, and while she’s lived long enough to know exactly what to do to make herself feel better in situations like these, she’s decidedly doing none of those things.
“I know that when I get like this – sort of down on myself – there are a few tried and true things I can do that help,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “For example, I could go to bed early, eat well, try to exercise, maybe take some time for myself, and reach out to the people I love and trust. That’s what I could do, but I will absolutely not be doing it.”
Sources confirm that Uma has felt this way three times in the past two years, and each time, the only thing that has made her feel better is performing the aforementioned tasks. She knows this, and yet, if you bring it up to her, she will probably get mad.
“Stop saying that journaling will help me get a handle on – or at least understand – my emotions!” she continued. “It will! Shut up! I’m sitting in this for a second!”
Reporters confirm that Uma has felt a bit unfulfilled creatively lately, and is starting to worry that her dreams of writing a short essay collection may be withering.
“I know that I could make incremental progress towards my goals, and that working on my writing at all, regardless of the quality, will absolutely make me feel better,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Stop suggesting I do that. I’m not going to do it.”
Uma has also taken on an extra project at work that will certainly overload her and is well aware that it would be reasonable to ask someone to take it off her plate. She will not do this. Stop asking.
“Knowing something and doing something are very different things,” Uma continued. “For example, I know that leaving my house during the day will make the overwhelming melancholy I’m feeling a little lighter to carry. But what I will be doing is staying inside until a miracle happens.”
At press time, Uma had come to the realization that she should probably reach out to a psychiatrist about taking antidepressants. Instead, she started rewatching The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
