In a devastating report emerging from your bedroom where you’re currently on minute 15 of your zoom therapy session, your therapist – Marnie Weeks – just kind of got your ass.
“I know therapy is supposed to help me identify unhelpful thought loops and behavioral patterns,” you told reporters from your bathroom, where you’re talking a bit of a break to regroup after being read for filth. “I just didn’t think that sort of thing would actually happen. I have to admit it: Marnie got my ass today.”
Sources confirm the issue arose when you told Marnie you were upset with your boyfriend for not paying more attention to you and were therefore giving him the silent treatment for a bit, so he’d understand what he’s missing.
“Do you think this sort of punitive behavior will improve the lines of communication between you two or perhaps just reinforce your feelings of loneliness and isolation?” Marnie spat.
You then paused for a long time, as you were not expecting to get absolutely got by a 65-year-old in such a brutal monotone.
“Um, I guess you’re probably right?” you said, phrasing this as a question as if that would undo the fact that Marnie got your ass so hard right there.
“Do you think it might make you feel better to be open and honest with him about your feelings, such that you can learn whether he’s actually willing and capable to give you the things you need?” she continued, as if you were not already dead and buried from the first thing. “At least that way you can know if he’s unable to do so, saving yourself a lot of time and energy in the future, right?”
“Yeah. Yes. For sure,” you responded as if you had not just been metaphorically slapped in the face by her smart, smart words.
Sources confirm you originally came to therapy with the hopes your therapist would say something funny that you could frame as a bit to your friends, but now you’re in the fetal position on the floor of your bathroom wondering how she saw right through your shit so fast.
“I don’t know how she did it,” you told reporters. “I guess with that degree of hers. Yeah, on second thought, this is the exact thing she studied. No clue why I didn’t expect her to put that education to use.”
As of press time, you had decided to cancel your remaining therapy sessions, citing the fact that you “just can’t go through this shit again.” By “this shit,” it appeared you were referring to “being seen as you are.”
