REPORT: Stalking That Girl Online Made You Feel So Much Better

In a developing story out of Springfield, multiple sources have confirmed that Internet stalking the girl your ex follows not only wasn’t weird at all, but actually made you feel great and was a totally healthy and productive thing to do!!!


“We broke up amicably, but I still get curious how my ex is doing,” you said. “So after seeing that Lisa Hemmings left a comment on his Instagram that said ‘dumbass’ with a tongue-sticking-out emoji, I knew I had to do a four-hour deep dive into her Internet presence. I literally had no choice.”


Though Hemmings’s Instagram was private and only listed her as “Lisa”, you Googled her first name plus her place of work and discovered she’s the hottest person you’ve ever seen. This made you feel great and really glad for her! She pulls off bangs, which was awesome to see, because you’re a woman who supports other women, even though you’re also a woman who has never had bangs because your mother told you your jaw was “too square, like John McCain.”


“When I see another woman rocking a bold cut,” you said, digging your nails into your thighs deep enough to draw blood, “all I can say is Slay, queen!”



When you found Hemmings’ Facebook profile via a reverse image Google search, you learned that she beat serious childhood illness and is now regarded as an inspiration to her entire hometown! On her vacations, she fundraises for sick children. This beautiful story didn’t even make you think about how you spent your vacation watching every season of the fan-made version of Survivor made by University of Maryland students! And if you had thought of that, you would be glad to see two women killing it in different and equally valid ways.


Furthermore, when you imagined your ex and Hemmings passionately making love in your ex’s bed, you felt great, because you’re sex-positive. When you imagined your ex and Hemmings lying on a sun-drenched picnic blanket on their third date, you felt nothing, because you hate picnics. And when you looked at at the black-and-white photos of the sky Hemmings published in her middle school’s literary magazine, you didn’t feel anything because it’s probably not representative of her current work.


“All in all, I feel a lot better having researched this girl. I’m glad the person my ex is sleeping with is such a badass babe. I had so many questions,” you said through presumably ecstatic tears, “and now I have very comforting answers to all of them.”


At press time, Hemmings was sleeping peacefully, unaware of your existence.