Report: Girl From High School Still Wearing Her Hair Like That

LOS ANGELES– After falling into a deep, depressing Instagram rabbit hole, public relations coordinator Kate Michaels was shocked to learn that her former high school classmate Rachel Todd is still doing her hair like that.


Michaels said she lost touch with Todd after they were in student council together in the 12th grade, and hadn’t really seen her since, but has somehow maintained the identical haircut that she had in 2001.


Michaels, who moved from her home state of Texas to California five years ago, said she had forgotten about the mere existence of Todd, a wife and Mary Kay consultant. But last week, Michaels saw Todd and her signature hairdo in the Instagram photo of a mutual friend.


“At first I thought it was a Throwback Thursday or even a Flashback Friday, but then I clicked into more pictures and realized she’s really still doing her hair like that.”


Michaels went on to describe the hair, citing inch-thick bleach blonde highlights, side-swept bangs and uncombed curls. Most surprising was the apparent continued use of a Bump-It.


“I literally didn’t know they still made those,” Michaels remarked.


A deeper dive into Todd’s page confirmed that other aspects of her life also remain unchanged, from the monogrammed T-shirts to her relationship with Brad Smith, that guy from French class who still gels his hair down.


A photo of the couple holding a large chalkboard sign reading “Home Is Where The Heart Is” confirms the pair now owns a ranch-style house in the neighborhood they grew up in. Their parents visit often.


Meanwhile, Michaels has been dumped by five different guys from Bumble this year alone, once by some guy named Drexel. What the fuck kind of name is Drexel?



Despite judging basically everything about her former classmate, this revelation led Michaels to wonder if consistency is what her life is missing. Like, she really thought about it. She sat there alone in silence for like, a weird amount of time, just kinda staring into nothing.


Michaels is currently awaiting her appointment to get swoopy bangs.