REPORT: Snickers Basically Protein Bar

In a bit of good nutritional news, recent reports have confirmed that Snickers is basically a protein bar if you really think about it.


The finding comes from a study conducted by the Food Science Lab at Cornell University, and demonstrates that the Mars Inc. “candy” is more or less a KIND bar, give or take a few ingredients.


“We put a lot of work into this project,” says lead researcher Dr. Amber Powell. “And it was sort of like, what is a protein bar? I mean, these are just words. But yeah, no, Snickers is one.”


The research effort comprised intensive thought, conversation, and general vibes.


“With a Snickers, you’ve got all those peanuts, so that’s protein,” explains Dr. Powell. “And then there’s chocolate which is dairy, and that has protein in it as well. Caramel is just sugar, but you’re going to find sugar in any protein bar, besides it gives you energy.”


“And then you have nougat, which is sort of the food scientist’s enigma,” Dr. Powell adds. “I mean, what is it? Maybe some food scientists know, but I’m not really sure. Anyway, if you look at the nutritional label on a Snickers I’m sure it says how much protein is in it, if you really need to know. So there is protein.”


The news comes as no surprise to anyone.


“I love Snickers!” says layperson Rachel Feldman. “And yeah, I would say they’re totally pretty much a protein bar. I mean, all those peanuts?”


“I’m hoping the results of this study really shed some light, so I can feel less judged for eating a Snickers before 10am,” Feldman adds. “But I also hope it doesn’t shed too much light, because I want Snickers to remain in all standard fare vending machines and news stands.”



When asked if the research effort would extend to Almond Joys, Dr. Powell was resolute.


“Almond Joys? They’ve got one fucking almond in them,” Dr. Powell says. “Absolutely not.”