In a developing story out of LaCrosse, Wisconsin, your parents would absolutely love to see you for the first time in a year, but just need to check on the dog’s schedule real quick.
“She’s got some checkups coming up and a big summer shave, so let me check her calendar and get back to you,” your mom said, even though you have a full-time job. “Just give me a couple of days.”
The pug who has seemingly replaced you as their “child” has a very busy calendar, including play dates, groomings, and several doctor’s appointments due to weak genetics from generations of inbreeding.
“Also, could you come between nine and three?” your mom added. “That’s right between Titi’s walks. So you’ll really have to leave by three.”
Your parents, who once called to complain about why you never visited in college, seemed to cope with that loss by pouring themselves into a geriatric pug.
“Also, we’ll have to stay inside when you come,” Dad added over the phone. “They’ll be watering the grass outside and Titi is very afraid of the sprinklers.”
At press time, your parents could be found taking Titi on her afternoon walk in an enclosed stroller.