REPORT: Food-to-Poop Ratio Way Off

After a recent weekend of indulgence, reports show that 27-year-old Laura Samuel’s food-to-poop ratio is way, way off.


“I ate, like, two full dinners on Saturday and had a boozy brunch on Sunday,” explained Laura. “So I was expecting Monday morning’s poo to be large and in charge. It was not, and I’m a little worried, to be honest.”


Laura, whose elephant-sized appetite resulted only in a mouse-sized, dry, little shit, went on to explain her confusion.


“I’m talking like 7000 calories per weekend day,” she said. “A fried chicken sandwich with broccoli slaw, two separate fat bean burritos, a pitcher of margs, some Coldstone Creamery. Like, my turd should’ve been breaching the surface of the toilet water. And what did I get? Pellets.”


“I should probably eat a lot more fiber,” Laura added.


Laura’s boyfriend, Paul DeRosa, confirms her version of the fecal events.


“Yeah, I was with her all weekend, that girl can eat,” said Paul. “And I also saw the look of disappointment on her face when she came out of the bathroom on Monday morning.”


“I’ve been in her shoes, and it’s…shitty, so to speak,” he added.


The whole situation has Laura shaken to her core.


“I’m just at a loss,” she said. “Like, I know there’s more shit in there. Where did it go? Did I absorb it like a chimeric twin?”



“It’s not in the toilet, I know that for damn sure,” Laura added, defeated.