Finally offering a definitive answer to a question people have asked themselves for generations, a report from the City University of New York has determined that, yes, your barista does find you annoying.
“If you’re considering whether your barista finds you annoying or just has an off-putting personality, it’s always the former,” Lead Researcher Fran Demetrius told reporters gathered at the scene. “According to our research, every barista has an absolutely banger personality, and it’s your fault 100% of the time if they seem short with you.”
Reporters determined that 95% of baristas are annoyed with you, specifically, and 5% are annoyed with the world in general, which does include you.
“I always make sure I know what I want before I approach the counter,” said local coffee shop-goer Winnie Elkins. “Because I’m so scared that my barista is going to be secretly annoyed by me otherwise. I wouldn’t be caught dead hesitating to decide which type of milk I want or whether I want my drink hot or cold. I can’t risk that kind of mistake, lest I make their life harder than it has to be and incur the ire of my barista.”
Sources confirm this is a nice gesture, but they definitely still find you annoying, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Reporters also found that it makes no difference whether you try to make conversation with your barista or not: you’re annoying either way.
“If you decide to make small talk with your barista, they’re going to find it tedious,” Fran continued. “Now they have to make conversation with you just to keep you happy? Maybe think about someone other than yourself for once!”
However, making no conversation does not save you from this fate.
“Oh, so now you’re all business, you refuse to talk about anything, and you clearly don’t see your barista as a complex, living, breathing person,” Fran continued. “Why did you even come here? To the coffee shop, that is. These are the thoughts going through the barista’s head.”
“This is just the cycle of life, and it’s best if you don’t fight it,” said local barista Max Hammond. “In fact, fighting it only makes it worse. Like swimming against the current instead of enjoying the ride down the river. The river of hate.”
As of press time, you were making your way to the nearest coffee shop, convinced you could get your barista to like you, much like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill one more time.
