REPORT: At Least Pigeon Outside Your Window Is Getting Some

In a mildly comforting report from outside your bedroom window, at least the pigeon perched on your air conditioning unit is getting some action. 


You first noticed the pigeon getting absolutely railed by its pigeon boyfriend (?) this morning at 6 a.m. 


Sources confirm when you saw this, you said, “You go, girl! That makes one of us!”


The timing could not have been better, because you just went through a lengthy and painful breakup, and the pigeon sex is going a long way to keep your household’s collective body count above zero. 


You tried to give them some privacy by closing your blinds, but this seemed to throw them into a scared frenzy of screaming and flapping until you opened it back up again. As a result, you’ve spent the entire day desperately trying not to make eye contact with the pigeons as they continue doing the deed for what has now been several consecutive hours. Love wins!


They appeared to be done around 3 p.m., as the boy pigeon left, but he returned soon after with a bit of food and the remains of a cigarette. Reporters confirm they ate the food, he chomped on the cigarette, and then they went back at it for another few hours. 


You’ve taken to warning any houseguests about the presence of the two schtupping pigeons, so as not to scare them when they hear the rallying cries of fauna in love. 


Your roommate Kevin seemed disturbed by it, but you were quick to say, “pigeons are just grey doves, and you wouldn’t be taken aback by two doves having sex or think that was icky, right? So maybe be chill and get on board because they’re in love.” Kevin then said he would find it weird to see two doves having sex, and reporters confirm you did not have a comeback on hand. 



Your friend who’s a little too into birdwatching came over for lunch and noted that it seems they might be two female pigeons. Regardless of whether that’s true, you’ve decided to believe it, and have taken to periodically yelling, “Gay pigeons, people! We’ve got gay pigeons, everyone!”


At press time, the pigeons finally wrapped up their affair and took off from your windowsill, somehow leaving you lonelier than you ever could have imagined. On the bright side, it appears that two rats are – actually, that’s so much worse.