It’s summer, it’s Pride, and nothing fits better in your hand than a large iced coffee. But it’s not always easy knowing what that cold cup of Joe will bring—whether it’s heart palpitations, an hour on the toilet, or so much motivation that you might actually wash your hair. Take this quiz to find out:
What did you put in your coffee?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Skim milk with a smudged expiration date and a couple Stevia packets
- Just a little splash of oat milk, but like, no added sugars.
What are you eating with your iced coffee?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Raisin bran with the same possibly expired milk.
- Trader Joe’s Five Seed Almond Bars, some pre-cut fruit from a tub, and an English muffin.
How much of it are you planning to drink?
- Absolutely all of it and then the half-coffee-half-water once the ice melts a couple hours later.
- As much of it as you can before your booty hole starts to dance.
- All of it, because you know your limits and only got a small.
Results:
Mostly 1s: Pee now babe, because you’re about to lay in bed all day, terrified to move or make decisions! You’re not even going to charge your iPad to watch Modern Family in an attempt to feel better, because you literally can’t move your limbs.
Mostly 2s: You better have some Imodium ready, because you’re about to spew! Might as well start a level Hard game of Sudoku too; you’ll need something to occupy you. What did you think, that skim milk was OK?
Mostly 3s: Congratulations, you beat the odds you bitch! Go have a really great day and spend $23 at Walgreens, because that might be as productive as you get and who knows how long this will last.
