Everyone knows that each person on this planet is one of three types of guy. Take this quiz to find out if you’re a boobs man, an ass man, or if you’ve found the light of our one and only savior, our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Pick a favorite Broadway musical:
1. The Boob of Mormon. I mean Book of Morboob. Fuck.
2. I’m more of a plays guy myself. More substance.
3. Les Misérables, for obvious reasons.
You’re at a movie: which snack do you want?
1. M&Ms! I like the symmetry of the M’s.
2. Mounds.
3. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. But if I must choose an option, perhaps the Body of Christ.
You’re going on a date. What is your ideal date wearing?
1. One of those wraparound shirts, the unstable kind!
2. Apple bottom jeans.
3. A habit, or perhaps a long robe that preserves her modesty in the eyes of the Lord.
You and your date are about to eat your food. How do you make small talk?
1. Ask if her mom had big knockers, too!
2. Ask if her mom had a big butt, too!
3. ברוך אתא אדונאי אלהינו מלך העולם המוצי לחם מין הארץ
Okay, so your date stormed out. How do you feel about this?
1. Sad! Those boobs!
2. At least I got to watch her leave.
3. I am concerned not with worldly pleasures.
Results:
Mostly 1’s: You’re a boobs man! We don’t know what this means aside from that you like boobs.
Mostly 2’s: You’re an ass man! Congrats! Some people say this is good, maybe?
Mostly 3’s: Dearest patron saint of modesty, welcome to the realm of the Godly. May you go forth in His righteous light and may the boobs nor the ass tempt thee from His pasture. May your heart be steadfast, may your hand rest not upon bottom nor breast, and above all, may you find sanctity in your covenant with Him. Unless you’re secretly a foot guy, in which case fuck right off.
