In a harrowing story out of Raleigh, NC, aspiring novelist Kara Williams was briefly jealous of a random person’s career, before she remembered that person is actually six weeks older than her and therefore not a realistic comparison at all.
Thank God! She has plenty of time to catch up!
Kara was googling “young authors successful,” as she does every morning before breakfast when she stumbled on the profile of Vic Martinez, a promising young fiction writer who was just signed to her first major publishing company and published a critically acclaimed debut novel about her time living in a Dutch commune.
“At first I was worried,” said Kara. “Here was someone in my field with my exact dreams, and she was achieving them? I thought that was supposed to be impossible.”
Sources confirm that Kara then googled, “Vic Martinez old,” “Vic Martinez age,” and “Vic Martinez author age,” until she got the result she was looking for, then breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
“She’s a whole six weeks older than me!” Kara told reporters gathered at the scene. “There’s no way we could have achieved the same level of success – she’s just at totally different stage of her journey.”
Kara then started listing things she could accomplish in those six weeks: finish her own draft, send it to 10-15 publishing agencies, start adapting the work into a screenplay, get her health regimen in order, find a boyfriend, start meal prepping, hike the Appalachian Trail, and maybe even have kids.
“Who’s to say what I could be by then?” Kara said. “Hell, I’ll probably even surpass her career!”
Doctors confirm that Kara is only able to achieve the normal amount of things in six weeks and is nowhere near the trajectory needed to match Martinez in that period of time.
But none of that matters to Kara, who is determined to be the first person her exact age or younger to achieve anything.
“I mean, we’re just children,” she continued, gesturing to a six-year-old nearby. “Sorry I’m not a fully formed adult with a lifetime’s more experience.”
The “lifetime” Kara is referring to is, once again, 42 days.
“Also, she probably has author parents,” she continued. “And publisher grandparents! And a great grandfather who is a book!”
According to a quick google search, none of that is true.
At press time, Kara could be seen googling “Zadie Smith,” deciding to give up writing, and making plans to go back to school for accounting.
