In a disturbing story developing out of a St. Louis coffee shop, Miriam Kelly just interrupted two baristas deep in conversation on a slow day all so that she could “order a coffee”.
Apparently, reports of rising fascism in the United States were not overstated.
“It was really scary,” says one witness, who was working quietly on her laptop when the altercation transpired. “It was clear that these two baristas were on the verge of a philosophical breakthrough when this woman just walked right up to the counter and said ‘excuse me’ with all the terrifying force the Gestapo knocking on an unsuspecting door.”
Is this woman addicted to caffeine, or just the violent suppression of free thought?
Though the baristas in question are still recovering from the authoritarian outburst, they were able to speak with press about the incident.
“You know there are people like that; you read about them in the news,” says Jae Petals. “But you just never think it’s going to happen to you. Some people are so obsessed with law and order, subjects and rulers, that they’ll just do anything to enforce hegemony and exert control, including demanding that I make them a latte when I was having one of the best conversations of my life.”
According to experts, the baristas were moments away from solving generational trauma once and for all before they were forced to make an espresso drink for this dictator who should really get a Nespresso or something.
“Once all that went down,” Jae says, “we couldn’t even get back into the flow of the conversation, and everything was lost. This is exactly like what the Catholic Church did to Galileo, or what society did to Pamela Anderson. In other words, it was fucked up.”
The final blow, the tyrannical customer not leaving a tip, was no less devastating for coming as nothing of a surprise.
“I thought they were kind of rude,” the domestic terrorist says. “No one even asked me about my day.”
Fascist scum may be able to force a barista to make them a coffee, but they will NEVER make us ask them about their day.