Party Dresses That Say, ‘It’s My Birthday And Someone Has To Fuck Me’

It’s your birthday! And unofficial birthday rules say you’re owed at least one birthday pity fuck. Make sure you get it by getting into one of these dresses, and you’ll be ready for some semi-obligatory birthday magic!


Rachel Zoe Shay Draped Mini Dress ($169.97, Nordstrom)Shay Draped Mini Dress

The suggestive cutouts long to whisper a secret. What is it? That you haven’t gotten laid since last birthday? Well that ends tonight when you wear this dress! You threw yourself a party as an excuse to see all the guys you want to fuck and/or might want to fuck you. You deserve this!!







Glittered Strappless Mini DressGlittered Strapless Mini Dress ($27.90, Forever 21)

Dazzle in glitter while you dazzle on the dance floor! You and Brandon have been flirting all night. He is flirting, right? He should be! When you’re wearing this sparkly number, he can’t get mad at you for playing the birthday card yet again. It’s your birthday, and you want to get busy! You can only use that excuse for one day a year, so milk it, girl!








Lace Trim Slip Dress ($79.00, Bebe)Lace Trim Slip Dress

Be a tease with this flirty hemline! Except, you’re not teasing anyone because you abandoned all subtlety hours ago. At this point you’re just waving around an empty champagne bottle shouting “Who wants to be my first bang of the year?” What about with Jason? Your friends brought him to your party. Was he not supposed to be your birthday present? Let this lacy LBD and the courtesy drink he bought you seal the deal!






Plunge Ribbed Body Con - TopShopPlunge Ribbed Bodycon Dress ($68, Top Shop)

Watch out! This form-fitting strappy dress could lead to birthday romance under the stars, or at the very least, a sloppy make out session with Adam from work in the men’s bathroom. Be careful not to burn him on this red hot number! Also be careful because you don’t want him refer to you as a “drunken mess” when he tells your work friends the next day. Lighten up, Adam from work! It’s your fucking birthday!!





Pair any one of these dressed with a tiara to complete the “It’s my fucking birthday, and I don’t want this, I need this look! It’s your birthday, after all!